Gods are annoying neighbors
by thx80
Summary: Being a counselor can be hard.
1. Chapter 1

In the near future, Thor and company left Asgard for a vacation. They decided to spend some time in our realm because, recently, Earth became a favorite target of super villain, mad scientist, evil wizards and aliens.

I have been appointed by Nick Fury as a counselor to help our Asgardian tourists get used to our way of life. It isn't easy dealing with gods and sometimes it really sucks to be the middleman. However, I like working with them since everyday life has never been that exciting before.

The following stories are transcriptions of a few recordings I did during my conversations with Thor, his family and friends.

#1 First question

During our first appointment I asked each one of our Asgardian friends why they were so eager to spend their vacation on Earth. Here are their answers:

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I just wanted to enjoy the simple life. Making some new friends, doing some bar fights, taking driving lessons, eating Pop Tarts. Being a god can be really boring sometimes.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

I know there are a few beauties waiting for me on Earth. Perhaps, I will pay Lady Gaga a visit. She is not quite my type but she is an interesting... human being.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Burger King, McDonald's, KFC, Subway…

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Somebody has to look after those guys.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

I thought it was time to have a good rest. It's hard to rule a kingdom for thousands of years. And I want to know how things are going on Earth.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Thor seems to be very in love with that mortal woman. As a mother, it's my duty to get to know my future daughter-in-law in person. My son only deserves the fairest of all ladies.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Of course, there is also Jane, the most beautiful and smartest woman in this realm…

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Is Lady Gaga a woman? No?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Pizza Hut, Dunkin Donuts, Taco Bell…

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

They can be a bit of a handful.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Centuries ago people on Earth worshipped us. In return we protected them as we were protecting our own children. But when they started to forget us we knew the time had come for us to let them spread their wings on their own. As far as I am aware of people on Earth are doing fine. Of course, they are still making many mistakes. But they are learning from their mistakes. And there are people who would do anything in their power to protect them.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Jane seems to have a strong will for a woman despite having such a frail body. No wonder, Thor has fallen in love with her.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

There is no woman like her in Asgard. She is one of a kind. And… Yes, I like her. Very much.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Oh, well, nobody is perfect.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Brown's Chicken Pasta, Fatburger, Steak 'n Shake…

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

They need a warrior like me to be around to keep them safe from troubles.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

But - in the name of my father and his father before - I still don' understand  
>why Bruce Banner's trousers don't tear to shreds when he transforms into the Hulk?<p>

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

She resembles me when I was younger.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

It's going to be fun.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm talking to THOR, curious about some personal stuff.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm curious. How old are you?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm *beep* thousands years old.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

...

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm still younger than the others.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... Alright… Tell me your goddam secret!


	3. Chapter 3

ME

Sorry for my... outburst. I have a few issues about… [murmuring] my age… So, what are you doing in your free time?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Horse riding, flying, fighting frost giants, killing monsters, saving people - and I just discovered that I like to beat up mortal soldiers.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That sounds like... fun.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Wanna join me on my next trip to S.H.I.E.L.D.? Their soldiers withstand a lot of beating.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I have to pass on that. I'm a pacifist, you know.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Oh, you have my sympathies.


	4. Chapter 4

ME

You must be very popular with girls.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Aye, they like how I wield my hammer.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I would love to see that, too... Anyway, you and Jane seem to be very close.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Aye, she is the first lady I've ever kissed.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Wait… Your... first?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Well, there are other ladies I've kissed on their hands. But I've never kissed a lady on her lips. I hope she doesn't get pregnant.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Pregnant...? Umm… Didn't your parents tell you… the facts of life?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Well, they told me to respect every living being.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That's great. But that's not the answer I wanted to hear...You do know where babies come from, do you?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Aye, the stork delivers them.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

The stork...

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Every child in Asgard knows that. Didn't your parents tell you where babies come from?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You're kidding me… You are serious about that... Oh boy… I need to talk to Odin and Frigga.


	5. Chapter 5

On my way to Thor's parents I happen to meet Fandral.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Hey, Fandral, can I ask you something?

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Speak, my friend.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Well...

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Make it quick. A fair lady is waiting for me.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Oh, okay... You know where the babies come from, do you?

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Of course, I do.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Thank goodness!

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

The stork delivers them when you kiss a lady on her lips. As far as I know, I have two thousands children by now. I know, I'm a charmer.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

...Odin! Frigga! We need to talk!


	6. Chapter 6

Odin, Frigga and I are sitting in the living room of their luxurious mansion.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What brings you here, mortal?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Curiosity, your Highness. Just my curiosity… Tell me, why are Asgardians clueless about where the babies come from?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What are you talking about, mortal? The stork delivers them, of course! Every Asgardian knows that.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

My king, I assume this mortal knows the truth.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Can you please, stop calling me 'mortal'. That sounds ... racist.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

I mean no disrespect.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

As an apology you can give me an answer to my question.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Yes, that would be fair. The truth is, Asgardians don't know about...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Reproduction?

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Yes... They don't know about re-pro-duc-tion until they got married.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

And why is that?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Because it would disturb them. We are warriors. We can't risk any distraction.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

But won't it be a shock to them if they find out the truth on their wedding night?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Well, to be honest, it was a shock to me.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

And a disappointment to me.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What?

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

I'm sorry, my king. I was talking to myself.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

… May I speak out?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Speak, mortal.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I thought we already solved the 'mortal problem'. Anyway, this nonsense – it has to stop! Now!

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

You dare raising your voice against Odin Allfather, mortal!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Yes! And stop calling me 'mortal'!

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

You despicable… [burst out laughing] I start to like you.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Good for you. [wipe off my sweat] Alright, I call everybody and I'm going to tell them the truth.


	7. Chapter 7

After telling everybody the truth about babies.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Men and women really do that kind of… stuff?

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

That's... disgusting.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

That means I'm not a father of two thousands children?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

What a relief!

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I know it's a shock to all of you. But I promise it can be very enjoyable.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Although it takes some time.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Father, do you and mother...

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Don't think about that!

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... I'm sorry... But now… Knowing that… I can't look at you with the same eyes.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

For the first time of my life I lost my appetite.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

That's so disgusting. Oh, I can't get that image out of my head.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

I have to throw up.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

You see what you have done, mortal? It's better to be clueless to such trivial things. Fortunately, I know a spell to erase their memories.

* * *

><p>ODIN casts the spell. The only ones who remember the conversation ever happened are ODIN, FRIGGA and ME.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Loki and I are in my office.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You know, you've got a very big fanbase out there.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Ah, yes, that's something I'm very proud of. Even my brother's jaw dropped when he saw my fan posts. It was truly a victory.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That sounds to me that you've got some... issues. You wanna talk about that?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

I don't know what you're talking about.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Loki, people know that you feel misunderstood by your family and friends. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Nobody knows how I feel.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That's exactly the problem. Did you ever speak with your brother and father about your... feelings?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You're making fun of me, right? All Thor thinks about is fighting frost giants, killing monsters, saving people and seducing innocent mortal women. He is truly a warrior. He would laugh at me if I told him about my feelings. And our father would... he would be ashamed of my weakness...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... Do you want me to hug you?

* * *

><p>FANDRAL appears through the door.<p>

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

If Loki doesn't want to be hugged I will take over the burden for him. And don't hesitate if you feel the need to kiss me.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Sorry, you're not my type. And, please, stop eavesdropping.


	9. Chapter 9

Loki and I are outside eating hot dogs.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Can I ask you something?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You may speak.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

How do you stay that slim?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG appears…<p>

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Ah, meat!

* * *

><p>… and grabs our hot dogs.<p>

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Thank you!

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(to me)

You really want to know?


	10. Chapter 10

Thor approaches the bar.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(to the bartender)

Give me a mug big enough to contain the beer I need to get drunk.

* * *

><p>BARTENDER<p>

Sure, but first show me your ID.

* * *

><p>THOR gives his ID to the bartender.<p>

* * *

><p>BARTENDER<p>

Let's see... Thor Odinson... Born in... Asgard xxx thousands years before Christ...? Haha, nice one. Maybe next time.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You dare refusing my order, mortal?

* * *

><p>BARTENDER<p>

You can have beer when you're old enough – until then, how about a coke?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Alright. As long as I get drunk tonight, that's fine by me. Fill the mug with that cock – or whatever it is called.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(whispering)

Oh boy...


	11. Chapter 11

JANE joins us.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Hey, sorry for the delay. Darcy almost set our laboratory on fire... again.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

She IS hot, after all.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(to the bartender)

This drink, I like it.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

(shocked)

Oh no, he won't...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(irritated)

What?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Another!

* * *

><p>He smashes his mug on the floor.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

He did it again... What was in his mug? Coffee?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

… Diet Coke?

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Alright. No caffeine for the rest of his life.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You mean for the rest of our lives.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Whatever.


	12. Chapter 12

THOR, his friends and I go to the movies. We decide to watch "Cabin the the Woods".

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

So, this is what mortals call 3D.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Do you see any difference?

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

No, not at all.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG is eating popcorn, enthusiastically.<p>

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

How does it taste?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Awful, but I can't get enough of it.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

This young man, he is a very good actor.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Well, he his handsome... He reminds me of someone.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

The same goes to me.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

... Heath Ledger?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Ah, yes!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That's Chris Hemsworth. He is just some dude from Australia.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

He is going to be big.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm not sure about that. However, he IS very handsome.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Don't you think he looks like Thor?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Nah!

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Absolutely not.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Nay!

* * *

><p>HOGUN shakes his head.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Yes… Just a little… But I'm bigger.


	13. Chapter 13

THOR and company are leaving the cinema - laughing hysterically. I approach them.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

My, my, did you watch a comedy?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You mortals really make funny movies.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

I laughed so hard I forgot to eat.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Those men were screaming like little girls.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

And when the woman was burned to death I just couldn't restrain myself.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

This was hilarious.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Burned to death...? What was the title of the movie?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Saw 3D.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... You're a bunch of sickos.


	14. Chapter 14

On a sunny day SIF, LOKI and the Warriors Three are running down the street. To my own surprise, they are in panic mode.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Run!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(irritated)

What's happening?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

The end of the world!

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

If you want to live, leave this place with all speed!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I don't understand.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

He is going to take a shower! That means he is going to sing!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

What?

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

Thor.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... In my panic room! Now!

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

And people say I'm evil.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You're manipulative and devious. But you're nothing compared to Thor's singing.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

... You're right!


	15. Chapter 15

SIF, LOKI and the Warriors Three are hiding with me in my panic room.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

I remember a giant snake coming out from his mouth.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

I remember those hungry red eyes staring at me.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

I remember the fear that made my body shiver for the first time in my life.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

I...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Oh, come on, guys! It's Thor we are talking about! I know he his singing sucks. But he doesn't unleash Ragnarök.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

No, but we will suffer indescribable pain.

* * *

><p>Suddenly, ERIK knocks on the door.<p>

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Please, let me in! Have mercy!

* * *

><p>I stand up. But HOGUN holds me back.<p>

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

No, it's too late for him.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

But…

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

In times of war one has to make sacrifices.

* * *

><p>Then it starts. THOR sings "The Circle of Life". Everybody covers his ears.<p>

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Wow, he really likes The Lion King! And it's true! His singing sucks!

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Noooooo!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm sorry, Erik! I'm really, really sorry!


	16. Chapter 16

When THOR stops singing SIF, LOKI, The Warriors Three, ERIK and I go to a bar.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Well, we are still alive, are we?

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

What?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I said we are still alive!

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Yeah, we are alright!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(to SIF)

Is his deafness permanent?

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

He will recover... in a week or so.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

He should be lucky. The last time my ears bled.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

And I lost my appetite.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

For a complete hour.

* * *

><p>THOR, JANE and DARCY enter the bar.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

My friends! I was searching for you!

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(whispering)

And we were hiding from you.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What did you say?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Nothing, brother.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Did something happen in your neighborhood? I saw a lot of ambulance there?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

(to LOKI)

Did my little Loki play another prank?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Unfortunately, it wasn't me. Not this time.

* * *

><p>The bar owner goes to the stage and announces that they will hold a karaoke competition in a few minutes.<p>

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Yay, a karaoke competition!

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What's a karaoke competition?

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

It's a singing contest.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

You wanna join?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Of course! That sounds like fun! [to everybody] And you are going to cheer for me, right?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm out of here. Guys, good luck.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Traitor!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

In times of war one has to make sacrifices.


	17. Chapter 17

THOR storms into my office.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You! I need driving lessons!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(confused)

What for?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I can't risk my life anymore when Jane is driving me around. I really mean no disrespect. But Jane is a terrible driver.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That's a good point. But you can fly, you now.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm not allowed to fly.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Why is that?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Air traffic law.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... Let me make a call to Tony Stark.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I already did ask him for help.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

And what did he say?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I should ask you for driving lessons since you're replaceable.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

... Can you do me a favor?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Aye?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Can you summon a thunderstorm the next time when Tony is flying around?


	18. Chapter 18

THOR and I are sitting in a car. To be more precise, we hijack JANE's car while she is working in her laboratory doing... some scientific stuff.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Where did you learn to lock-pick a car?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I have many skills people don't know. And lock-picking is one of those skills.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Seriously, you should keep it a secret... Now, this is a car, this round thing is a steering wheel, there is the brake, the hand brake... the gas pedal. So, before you drive you should fasten your seat belt... like this.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What for?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

For your own safety... Didn't you fasten your seat belt when you were driving with Jane?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

No, Jane didn't show me that. And neither did Jane fasten her seat belt as far as I can recall. To be honest, I don't like restraints.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

If you don't do it the next police officer will take you away with some other restraints. Be a nice guy and fasten your seat belt, please.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

If it makes you more relaxed.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Oh, I'm with a tall muscular and very, VERY handsome guy who doesn't know how to drive in a STOLEN car. How can I be more relaxed?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What should I do now?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Start the engine... release the hand brake... go into reverse... and put your foot on the gas pedal very carefully... CAREFULLY.

* * *

><p>The car starts to move. I look back. Suddenly I see TONY STARK - BAM! THOR stops the car and gives me an irritated look.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What was that?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I think we just killed… Tony Stark...

* * *

><p>THOR and I jump out of the car and run to TONY who is lying on the ground, moaning.<p>

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Are you alright, Mr. Stark?

* * *

><p>TONY<p>

I just got hit by a car. Of course, I'm alright!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm sorry. Should we take you to the hospital?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Can I drive?

* * *

><p>TONY and ME<p>

No!


	19. Chapter 19

THOR and LOKI are in an interrogation room we've borrowed from S.H.I.E.L.D. while TONY, AGENT COULSON and I are watching them through a one-way mirror in another room.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What is the reason for all these mischiefs?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

I needed some diversions. Honestly, brother, the realm of the mortals is a boring place.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Tony Stark could have been killed because of you.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Well, he is still alive, isn't he? But seriously, I was surprised how easy it was to fool him. I just have to pretend to be DARCY and ask him for a date. However, it wasn't my intention that he got hit by the car that you were driving. Let's call it a twist of misfortune. By the way, why should the God of Thunder rely on mortal technology? You can fly, you know.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

We are guests in this realm. We should adopt their way of life while we are staying here.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You have no sense of humor, brother. What happened to you?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I've changed.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

So have I.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I know. And you're giving me no other choice.

* * *

><p>THOR puts a ghetto blaster on the table.<p>

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(irritated)

What are you doing, brother?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(grinning)

You will know soon enough.

* * *

><p>THOR puts The Lion King CD into the ghetto blaster.<p>

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Oh no, you can't be serious.

* * *

><p>LOKI looks at us. He runs to the one-way mirror.<p>

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You can't do that to me! Have mercy!

* * *

><p>TONY<p>

(to COULSON)

Turn off the speakers.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Nooooooo!

* * *

><p>At that moment THOR starts dancing to the song "I just can't wait to be king" and singing along.<p>

* * *

><p>COULSON<p>

I didn't know that Thor could be that cruel.

* * *

><p>TONY<p>

He is a god alright... We should go. Or else I won't get that image of Thor dancing like a Broadway musical star out of my mind for the rest of my life.


	20. Chapter 20

I'm sitting with BRUCE BANNER, STEVE ROGERS aka Captain America and THOR in my office.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Bruce, you've got some... anger management issues. Do you want to give us a few more details about... your problems?

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Well, they aren't really anger management issues. To be honest, I'm dealing with a lack of... self-confidence.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Oh, that's interesting... Do you know the reason for your lack of self-confidence?

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

I'm working with people who are... How should I put it...? People who could be cover models.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

So, you are having inferiority complexes?

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Just look at me. I'm flabby with hardly any muscles. I'm nothing compared to those guys. When I'm standing next to them people ask me if I'm a sidekick or whatever. They don't consider me a full-fledged member.

* * *

><p>STEVE ROGERS<p>

I already told you. I've got this gorgeous body due to an experiment.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

(to STEVE ROGERS)

So, you don't like the way you are looking?

* * *

><p>STEVE ROGERS<p>

I didn't say that.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

If you want a muscular body just like me I will help you, my friend.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Really?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Of course. What are friends for? We can start your training tomorrow.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

That's great! How long will it take to get as muscular as you?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Ah, it doesn't take long. Just two hundred years.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

... [to Steve] Can you tell me more about the experiment?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(talking to myself while writing a few notes in my textbook)

Bruce Banner has a complex about his weight... Steve Rogers is narcissistic... And THOR has no sense of reality... And I... I am definitely underpaid.


	21. Chapter 21

While THOR and The Avengers are away to fight against a super villain who wants to destroy Earth (again) DARCY, JANE, ERIK and I break into his house.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

I don't think we should do it.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

We don't have another choice.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

It's still a crime.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

It would be a bigger crime if we didn't take the chance to get rid of those things that may cause the end of the world.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Don't be ridiculous.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Yeah, it's Thor we are talking about.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

You don't know what he is capable of. There is another side of him that is… pure evil.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I've found them!

* * *

><p>JANE, ERIK and DARCY take a look inside the open closet.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Oh my God…

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

See? I told you that he has an evil side.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Yeah, hiding something like that in his closet makes him one of the most evil persons in the world... Wait! He's got Bambi in his collection... And look! The little Mermaid... Aladdin... There is also The Lion King... Oh, and the sequels... You're right, ERIK. Thor IS evil.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

I can't believe it. I'm going out with a Disney fanatic.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

He's all yours.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

We have to get rid of them. Or else he won't stop singing.


	22. Chapter 22

THOR and I are having our weekly conversation.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

So let's talk about something that really bothers me for a very, VERY long time. Why are you always carrying your hammer around? Is it some kind of... replacement?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... I don't know what you're talking about.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Well, you know... Sometimes the biggest men have the biggest complexes. Just take Tony Stark for an example. He is rich. He is good-looking. He is smart. But he is unable to have a monogamous relationship with a woman. It's obvious that Tony has a few issues in trusting people... Just a while ago when I talked to him about his father I came to the conclusion that he is using his indestructible armor to hide his true self. In other words, his armor is keeping him away from facing his problems.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You want to tell me that I'm using my hammer for compensation?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Yes, that's right... You want to talk about it?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Not really.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I promise that nothing will get out of this room. In return I want you to be honest.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... Just ask me your questions.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Alright... So... How is your sex life?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... You're kidding, right?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Hammer. Big. Always carrying around. Compensation.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... I have a meeting to attend.


	23. Chapter 23

THOR and Wolverine are in my office.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

So, you two don't get along very well.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

That's news to me!

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Oh yes, I really, really hate that guy.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

How come?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Do you want to tell us what's bothering you about Thor? I know he can be very rude sometimes. And he has some flaws ...(like his singing and his father complex)... But he is a nice guy.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Sorry, bub, but I won't be friends with him.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Bub...?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Oh, come one, Wolverine. You know what? I'm going to invite you to my favorite tavern. And after that we will pay S.H.I.E.L.D. a visit and have a good fight with their soldiers.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

That sounds like fun. But I have to turn down your offer.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You haven't answered my question, Wolverine.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Yes, tell us why you don't like me.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

There are many reasons. Number 1: You're older than me and you still look that young.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm just... three thousand... go on.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Number 2: You're bigger than me.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I work out every day for... since... go on.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Number 3: Your hair is ridiculously... awesome. Are you using some kind of miracle water? I could really use some of it right now.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

No, I just use soap, water and... a tiny drop of Dragon blood... And sometimes I wash my hair in Rainbow water.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Number 4: You're looking incredibly good in that armor. But why the hell are you wearing a red cape? You go to a battlefield and everybody looks at you, asking why you are wearing a red cape. No wonder you get all the attention of the enemies. They want to beat the crap out of you because of your stupid red cape!

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I like red...

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Number 5: Let's face it, you're handsome. You're always getting the pretty girls.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

That's not true... I have Sif, Jane, Darcy... and 125,843 friends on Facebook.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

And how many of them are girls?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

... 125,843.

* * *

><p>WOLVERINE<p>

Number 6: You're a royal pain in the ass. You're always carrying your stupid hammer around. You get hit by a car every day. You talk with your mouth full. And your singing sucks.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

...

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You know what, Wolverine? I can understand why you don't like him.


	24. Chapter 24

ERIK and I are taking a walk.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Ah, what a peaceful day.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Yeah, it's very quiet.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Volstagg is hunting for food.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Actually, he is at McDonald's - after he was banned from every Burger King restaurant.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Fandral is hitting some girls.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

He went out to locate the house of America's Next Top Model. I wonder if he was successful. I haven't seen him since last Wednesday.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Hogun and Sif are on vacation in Japan.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Right now they are fighting a Godzilla-like monster in Tokyo. Hogun seems to be very popular with the Japanese.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Odin and Frigga are on a world tour.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Riding a flying horse.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

It really is a peaceful day.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Or we just got used to all the crazy things that surround us.

* * *

><p>THOR appears in the middle of the street.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

My friends!

* * *

><p>THOR approaches us. When he crosses the road - BAM! JANE hits him with the car.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

(to herself)

Not again.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(to JANE)

What's wrong with you? I'm 6' 3". There's no way you can overlook me.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Why don't you look right and left before crossing the road? We already talked about that.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I wonder if she is doing it on purpose.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Who cares? I like how things are now.


	25. Chapter 25

THOR and company join my birthday party. The following day I will take a vacation. Of course, they are all devastated by the fact that I will spend the next two weeks in an unknown location, especially BRUCE BANNER who has to see another therapist to help him manage his anger issues during my absence. THOR tries to cheer him up.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Don't worry, Bruce. It's going to be fine. You did make progress in the last three months. And you don't have to be ashamed if you turn into that green monster because you have friends who are ready to do anything to stop you going on a rampage.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Thanks, it really helps.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

If necessary I will ask Loki to use the Casket of Ancient Winters to cool you down.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

The Casket of Ancient Winters is not a toy! Speaking of your brother where is he?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

He told me that he wanted to pay Red Skull a visit to talk about their next steps to world domination.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Your brother has some strange hobbies.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

Just let him play with his friends, my king. As long as they make him happy it doesn't matter if they try to conquer this realm. By the way, I assume that he has fallen in love with a woman.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

A woman? That's surprising. I always thought he was playing for his own team.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What's that supposed to mean?

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

You know... Well... Oh, there's Lady Darcy... and... Loki?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Hello, everyone.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I thought you wanted to see Red Skull.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Sorry, brother. I lied. I wanted to surprise you.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

We are together now!

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

You are the woman he - the God of Mischief - has fallen in love with?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

To me he is the God of Love. And I mean 'Love' with a capital 'L' like 'LOKI' or... 'Lance-A-Lot'. That's how I call him when we are alone.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Great, I lost my appetite.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

...

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

You take the words right out of my mouth, HOGUN.

* * *

><p>TONY STARK<p>

The God of love? Don't make me laugh. There's only one man who can be the God of Love. And that's me – Tony Stark also known as The Invincible Love Machine.

* * *

><p>PEPPER<p>

He really is a machine. But I'm still waiting for the love part.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

(to LOKI)

You can't be with a mortal woman. I forbid it!

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Of course, Thor can stick his big hammer in every woman he wants and I must not.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Hey, I'm not every woman and Thor doesn't stick his big hammer... Honestly, it isn't that big.

* * *

><p>Everybody looks at THOR.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

What? She is talking about the hammer.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

(whispering)

Yeah, right.

* * *

><p>STEVE ROGERS<p>

(to THOR)

I know what you are going through. Since the experiment that gave me that incredible body I'm dealing with... some parts of my body that were... left out during the enhancement process. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I've told you she was talking about the hammer.

* * *

><p>STEVE ROGERS<p>

I know, I know. 'Your hammer'.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

(to JANE)

Is it really that...?

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

It was disappointing at first. But... What am I talking about. It still IS disappointing.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

I have to admit Loki's... spear isn't all that large. But he knows how to handle it.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Can you ask him to give Thor some advices - you know - how to wield his hammer?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Don't you worry. Loki will teach your boyfriend a good lesson. After all, he IS the God of Love.

* * *

><p>PEPPER<p>

Can I also put Tony on the list?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Sure. Every woman should have her own God of Love.

* * *

><p>PEPPER<p>

Just have Loki teach him the love part.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

I could use some advices, too.

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

His Majesty also needs lessons in... pleasing his woman. Sign his name on the list.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What are you talking about?

* * *

><p>FRIGGA<p>

My king, we have been together for ages. Our children are grown up. Now it's time for our sleeping chamber to get some fresh air.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(to LOKI)

Have fun with our father.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You want me to throw up?

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

(to me)

You're sure you want to go?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm going to miss it. But I need some time away from that crazy bunch.


	26. Chapter 26

On the sixth day of my vacation I visit a Hollywood party thanks to a friend of mine who happens to be a successful producer. The special guest turns out to be Academy Award Winner Anthony Hopkins. I have the opportunity to meet one of the best actors of our time in person. Unfortunately, Mr. Hopkins isn't in the mood for chit chat, especially if the person who wants to talk to him is a therapist. So I spend my time with his co-star, some hunky (and talkative) dude from Australia.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Wow, you had the chance to work with a living legend. What was it like?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

It was great. Just a few years ago I watched 'The Silence of the Lamb' on DVD for the first time. You know that movie that earned Tony his first Academy Award. And when I met him in person I was like 'Oh my fu*beep*ing God, I'm standing right in front of Hannibal Lecter, the guy who eats raw meat for breakfast'. It was a surreal experience, actually.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I can relate to that. I like your Australian accent.

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

A lot of people think of me as British when they talk to me for the first time.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You're Australian alright. Did anybody told you that you sound like Russell Crowe?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

Really? That's cool because Russell Crowe is one of my idols.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

He was one of my favorite actors back in my teens… and in my twenties. I even bought his albums. But I have to admit that he is a TERRIBLE singer.

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

I've watched him on TV doing a life performance with his band. Well, I wouldn't buy his albums but he isn't that bad.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You're right. In comparison to a friend of mine my ears don't start to bleed when I listen to his songs. By the way, you just look like him. I mean the friend I've been talking about. The one who makes my ears bleed… Are you of Norwegian descent? I'm just curious. My friend is Norwegian.

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

I don't know. I'm not that interested in my family tree. But my great grandma used to say that I'm descended from a god.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Is that so?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

Yeah. I know it sounds crazy. But she was already living in her own world.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

What exactly did she tell?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

That one of my ancestors had a brief affair with a handsome prince from another world who could fly and summon thunderstorms.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Did that prince wield a hammer?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

(confused)

Um, yes. How do you know that?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Can I take a picture of you?

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

Sure.

* * *

><p>I take a picture of Chris with my iPhone.<p>

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Your name is Chris Hemsworth. H-E-M-S-W-O-R-T-H.

* * *

><p>ACTOR<p>

That's correct.

* * *

><p>I send the picture of Chris to S.H.I.E.L.D. and asked my colleague to check Chris' data.<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

On the tenth day of my vacation I'm about to relax at my friend's swimming pool when all of the sudden – Odin appears. Obviously, you can't hide from a god, especially from the one who fought countless epic battles, rules a kingdom for thousands of years and is called Allfather.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

I need to have a word with you, mortal.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm on vacation.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

I recommend you, mortal, to stay away from a few secrets that shall never be revealed.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Stop calling me 'mortal'. I've told you that's insulting. And what exactly are we talking about…? Wait. You don't mean… Can gods and humans have children?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

It's very rare – but yes. There is the chance that a god and a human… Anyway, don't stick your nose in our business.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Does Thor know that he has some… descendants on Earth?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

That's not Thor who was playing around back then.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(confused)

Wait… You don't mean… Does your wife know?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

It was during a time we had some problems. She knows about my infidelity. But she is unaware of the outcome.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I believe even a god isn't perfect… Alright, I'm going to keep my mouth shut – under one condition.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

You dare threating me? Odin Allfather?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You don't mind, Odin ALLFATHER? Now I know why are you called Allfather.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

Speak!

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Excuse me?

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What's your condition?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Oh yeah, right. I want you to do me a favor.

* * *

><p>ODIN<p>

What kind of favor?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You will know soon enough. Until then could you please go away? I want to spend my last two days on vacation without any disturbance.


	28. Chapter 28

Thor and Jane are preparing breakfast. However, Thor turns out to be a bit of a klutz. Again, an egg breaks in his strong hand by accident.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

(smiling)

You have to take them carefully.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm trying. But those eggs are... too weak.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Or you're too strong.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Aye!

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Let me show you how to treat eggs properly.

* * *

><p>Jane takes an egg and puts it in Thor's hand. Then she closes his fingers around the egg - carefully. Meanwhile, Thor looks at her beautiful face and smiles.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

See, that's it. Breaking things doesn't solve any problem. Sometimes you have to restrain yourself.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You've got... warm hands.

* * *

><p>Jane looks up. Their eyes meet. Everything comes to a halt. A moment of silence. Then – the egg in Thor's hand break.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm not a fast learner, am I?

* * *

><p>Jane and Thor laugh. They don't notice me and Erik sitting at the table and waiting for our breakfast.<p>

* * *

><p>ME<p>

That's sweet.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

I wish they would stop that. I'm hungry, for god's sake.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Dunkin Donuts?

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Again?

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You've got a better idea?

* * *

><p>Erik looks at Thor and Jane who are all lovey dovey.<p>

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Dunkin Donuts.


	29. Chapter 29

Erik and I are at Dunkin Dognuts. We meet Bruce Banner. To my surprise he has lost some weight.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Hi, guys.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

Hey, long time no see. How are you? Oh my God, what happened to you? You look… skinnier. Are you on a diet?

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Yeah, I've found a… well… a nutritional advisor.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Can you give me his number? It appears to me that he is doing a great job.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

He really does a great job. Absolutely.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

How much did you lose?

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

I don't know. I've stopped to weigh myself. It's gotten more and more depressing.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

You're sure you're doing fine? You don't sound very happy to me. Actually, you're worrying me.

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

Honestly, I don't feel well right now.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

What happened?

* * *

><p>Bruce sighs. He points to Volstagg who is arguing with a Dunkin Dognuts employee.<p>

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

What does it means that you're out of dognuts?

* * *

><p>DUNKIN DOGNUTS EMPLOYEE<p>

It means that we have no more dognuts in our house.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

How did that happen?

* * *

><p>DUNKIN DOGNUTS EMPLOYEE<p>

Well, somebody ate all of our dognuts?

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

And who is that despicable glutton?

* * *

><p>DUNKIN DOGNUTS EMPLOYEE<p>

That must be you, sir.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Impossible! I've just eaten a snack!

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

That's my nutritional advisor. To be honest, as long as I'm with him I don't get anything to eat… AT ALL.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

Jesus Christ! Bruce, that's madness! You're going to starve to death!

* * *

><p>BRUCE<p>

That's alright. As long as I keep on losing weight I die as a happy man.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

(to me)

He is delirious.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

He is suffering from Volstagg-norexia.


	30. Chapter 30

(Note: A deleted scene you will never see in any special edition because it wasn't filmed)

* * *

><p>The following scene takes place on Thor's first day on Earth. After finding out about his hammer's location and parting ways with Jane, Erik and Darcy he is now going down the street.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(mumbling)

Twelve miles east of here. [referring to the location of his hammer]

* * *

><p>Thor stops walking. He looks into the blue sky. Thinking... Then:<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

By Odin's beard! Which direction is east!

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

Are you a moron?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(looking down at the little girl on a pink bike)

Didn't your parents teach you to respect the elders?

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

Didn't your father teach you simple survival rules?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

My father taught me a lot, especially how to fight monsters and to beat up spoiled little brats like you.

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

You're not making friends with that attitude of yours, you know. By the way, east is in this direction.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Thanks. Can you tell me where I can get a horse?

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

Ask the pet shop owner over there.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

For a spoiled little brat, you're very helpful.

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

You're still not making friends.


	31. Chapter 31

(NOTE: Another deleted scene you will never see in any special edition)

* * *

><p>After Thor defeated the Destroyer he flies off with Jane. Jane puts her arms around Thor's neck. She screams. First in fear... Then in excitement.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

That's incredible! You're doing it all the time?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(smiling)

Most of the time.

* * *

><p>Jane looks at Thor's face. Finally, she realizes that their bodies are touching each other, locked in a tight embrace. They were never that close before. But she doesn't mind it. Actually, she is happy about the most exciting time of her life.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Where are we flying?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

To the Bifrost landing site.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

You know where it is?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Of course I... DAMM!

* * *

><p>Thor turns around. Back to Sif and the Warriors Three who are already waiting for his return.<p>

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

(shaking her head)

Fifteen miles northwest.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Oh, alright... Thanks... Which direction is northwest?

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

You're still a moron, are you?

* * *

><p>Thor looks down to the LITTLE GIRL on her pink bike.<p>

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

You again?

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

You know her?

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

(to Sif)

We're old friends. (to Thor) Northwest is in this direction.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Thanks!

* * *

><p>Thor takes Jane and flies off… again.<p>

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

(to the LITTLE GIRL)

Who are you, really?

* * *

><p>LITTLE GIRL<p>

(smiling)

You'll find out soon enough.

* * *

><p>The little girl drives off on her pink bike.<p> 


	32. Chapter 32

I'm sitting with Sif, Hogun, Volstagg, Fandral, Loki and Erik in Thor's living room having a nice chat. Thor joins the conversation. It doesn't take too long for him talking about his exciting adventures – or should I tell bragging about heroism, manhood and camaraderie?

* * *

><p>I try my best to keep smiling. After all, it's Thor we are talking about. Although his chauvinism is getting on my nerves he doesn't mean to hurt anybody. It's just his powerful urge to be in the limelight. He still has a long way to overcome one of his biggest flaws.<p>

* * *

><p>Luckily, Sif remembers him that he shouldn't underestimate 'girl power'.<p>

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

It's true that there are only a few men who can keep pace with you.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

That's an undeniable fact.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

However, I'm still giving you a hard time during our training.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Well, that doesn't count. You're a woman, Sif.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

What exactly does it mean?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(whispering)

There we go again.

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

(to ME and ERIK)

Better keep your mouth shut.

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

….

* * *

><p>VOLSTAGG<p>

Just like him.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

(to SIF)

Do I really have to explain it to you?

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

Yes, please. I'm eager to know the difference between a man and a woman in battle.

* * *

><p>FANDRAL<p>

Oh, that's easy. First there are your…

* * *

><p>Hogun hits Fandral with his elbow.<p>

* * *

><p>HOGUN<p>

Don't.

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

(ignoring FANDRAL'S words)

Who was the one saving you from the hands of furious mountain trolls back then? It was me, Lady Sif. People don't call me Goddess of War for nothing.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

That may be true. But who is the one wielding Mjolnir right now?

* * *

><p>SIF<p>

I have a spear. And it's long.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Size doesn't matter.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

(whispering)

Oh, really?

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

(to ME, whispering)

We should stay out of it.

* * *

><p>ME<p>

I'm just being sarcastic.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

We all know that only those who are worthy can lift Mjolnir. [He put the hammer on the floor behind his armchair.]

* * *

><p>Jane and Darcy return from shopping. They have bought a handful of new decorations.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Hey, we are back. [She gives Thor a kiss.] You guys seem to have fun.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

We're just talking about me being the best warrior.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(coughing)

Poser.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

I've bought a new painting.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

Great.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

You want to help me hang it in the living room?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I'm with my friends now.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Oh… Alright.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

(coughing)

Macho.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

(coughing)

Lazy bum.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

By Odin's beard! Are you two having a cold or what?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

That's nothing serious.

* * *

><p>ERIK<p>

I've got a sore throat.

* * *

><p>Jane and Darcy hang the painting while Thor continues his… bragging.<p>

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

We need a hammer to get that nail into the wall.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Thor, can you get me the toolbox?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

The what?

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

The red steel box.

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

I've lent it to Steve.

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

You did what?

* * *

><p>THOR<p>

He asked me if I could lend him the red steel box. And I gave it to him.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Now what? Should we use your new Magnolo Blahnik?

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

Don't tell everybody about it… I've got a better idea.

* * *

><p>Jane goes behind Thor and lifts his hammer. Everybody stares at her in disbelief except for Thor who is still talking. Obviously, he thinks that we are totally into his heroic tales.<p>

* * *

><p>Jane returns to Darcy and hit the nail on the wall, using Mjolnir.<p>

* * *

><p>JANE<p>

We've got it.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Wait. [She takes the hammer and hit another nail on the wall.] Now we've got it.

* * *

><p>Jane gives Darcy a high five.<p>

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Girl power.


	33. Chapter 33

Darcy and Loki are making out on the couch. They think they are alone right now. But unbeknownst to them or anybody in the neighborhood I have installed a few hidden cameras in their homes.

Let me get this straight: I'm not a pervert. Go ask Tony Stark. It was his idea. I'm just doing my job. But in case you stumble on a few explicit pictures of Thor, Captain America or Bruce Banner on the internet it wasn't me. Again, go ask Tony Stark.

I really need to talk with him about his hobby. I assume that he is suffering from some kind of separation anxiety.

Back to the story: Darcy and Loki are making out on the couch while I'm videotaping them.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Oh, Loki. I still can't believe that I'm with a god right now.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Silence, mortal, I don't like to talk when I'm about to show a woman my spear.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

It's Darcy. D. A. R. C. Y. It would be nice if you could call me by my name from time to time… By the way, I'm curious.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

About what?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

How many women did you show your spear?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Don't know, don't count. Could be a few thousands. I'm older than you, remember?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Right… Uhm… How old are you again?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

In human years? Very, very old.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

So did you meet Jesus?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Why are you asking me that?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Because I want to know if he really was a cool guy.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

I'm old but not that old.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

But still you're old enough to be my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

So?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

It's just bothering me. You know? The age difference. I did go out with some of my professors who were ten or twenty years my senior. But it didn't work out because we were living in two different worlds. And now I'm here with a god who is not only older than me but actually lives in another world.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

I suggest you should stop thinking, woman.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

It's Darcy. D. A. R. C. Y.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You're so beautiful when you're trying to teach me. Want to hold my spear?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

If it's long enough… Did you meet Elvis?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Who?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

You know. Elvis Presley. The King of Rock 'n' Roll. Heartbreak Hotel. Love Me Tender. Can't Help Falling in Love. I had such a crush on him when I was a little girl until I found out that he passed away – nine years before I was born.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Let's see. I think the last time I met him was in Vegas a few weeks ago. He was impersonating himself.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Have you been listing to me at all? Elvis Presley passed away nine years before I was born.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You really have no idea that Elvis Presley isn't human.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

He's not...? Then all the Elvis sightings were true? Wow, that's… Can you get me an autograph?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Can you please stop talking? I need to break my horns.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Don't break them. I want to save them for later… What about Marilyn Monroe - or Michael Jackson? Was Michael Jackson an alien, too?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

I'm really not in the mood to go through your death list.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

I just want to know.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Can't we play that game after I've thrown my spear?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

You always fall asleep before I can get into the fun. By the way, sometimes you throw YOUR SPEAR too soon. I should have mentioned that to the others when I was bragging about the size of YOUR SPEAR… Maybe next time… Unless…

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Fine. I'm going to expose a few aliens to you... Did you watch the movie "E.T."?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Of course, I did.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Well, it's actually a documentary.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

You mean E.T. is real?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Was real. The military shot E.T.'s space ship down in the unreleased real ending of the movie. If you want to know what happened to E.T. and his friends go watch Independence Day… Have you ever wondered whether the Ewoks in "Return of the Jedi" were real or not?

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Those cute little creatures? Oh, I definitely want one of them as a pet…

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Well, it's not possible anymore. They are extinct.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

Oh, no! That's awful! What happened?

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

Remember the fake fur coat Jane was wearing the other day? And the boots you bought last weekend? Well, they are actually made of...

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

You know what? Let's just enjoy some momentous moments of earthshaking love–making.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

You know that I like it when you resort to dirty-talking.

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

I'm a dirty girl, you know. I'm ready to be pierced with your spear.

* * *

><p>LOKI<p>

... I'm already piercing you...

* * *

><p>DARCY<p>

... Oh… Uhm… Yay!


End file.
